Beginning of a New Year

I woke up this morning wondering just why it is that I’ve felt this undercurrent of gloom and sadness over the holidays. On the surface, I feel just fine. Peachy, as a matter of fact. I’ve enjoyed the holidays and I am excited about the prospects of the coming year. 

So while I took my morning coffee and headed on down to the kennel to give the dogs a run and some breakfast, I decided that maybe it would be a good time to take stock of the year that’s passed so that I could once again remind myself what all I have to be thankful for. 

The result of that “taking stock” wasn’t quite what I’d anticipated. It’s really kind of stunned me when I take it all in as a whole, because I guess I never dwelt on any of the parts for very long, at least not long enough to get the sense about it that I have now. 

It seems that 2008 brought with it quite a bit more in the negativity department than I really have cared to think about.  It was this year that I lost Jaymie, my 14 year old Golden Retriever who was my right hand in my business for most of the years that I have been a pro trainer. I lost a friend, Danny Thomason, and a cousin, Melinda Carter, to suicide. I saw it coming with Danny, and I could not stop it or did not do enough to stop it, or could not have done anything that would have stopped it. Poor Melinda was only 13 years old. I lost Dunny, our 29 year old horse, and Merrylegs, our 30+ year old pony.  It is really a tough thing to put an old horse down…..

I lost more than six months of competitive agility training and trialing with Riff after he was seriously injured during a competition. I lost my courage to do frisbee disc with Riff because of the accident and nearly lost my courage to trial him in agility again.  My dreams of taking Riff to USDAA Nationals someday, are, I believe, gone as well.

I feel a deep sense of loss over the IACP. Having co-founded the organization and being it’s very first member and having been a Director of IACP for more than 10 years, giving it up and letting it go has been extremely wrenching.  Having spent so much of the last decade of my life being a leader in this organization, letting it go meant losing a big part of my life. It was the right decision for so many reasons, and I would not go back and change that.  It may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Losing IACP meant losing a lot of other things along with it, including a sense of “place” in the world and many of the connections with people that I had, for many years, enjoyed.

I did lose weight this year! I also lost some hair and the ability to read small print without glasses…….

I had a very curious loss of someone who I thought might have turned out to be a close friend to me. I inadvertently found her puppy at the county animal control and in my attempts to help her by rescuing the puppy and getting it medical attention for an intestinal blockage, I found out that the puppy had been purposely signed over to animal control. I also ended up losing the puppy, who had incredible perfomance potential. I had to re-home the puppy because I could not look at her without torturing myself over the betrayal that both the puppy and I had endured.

Although I’ve looked for the exact quote and cannot find it;  as it was told to me, the Dalai Lama says that the greatest human suffering results from our attachments to others. Looking back on 2008, I cannot tell you how true this statement rings for me.

I wonder now if I’m feeling so “peachy” because the Hurricane of 2008 is now over and that there’s hope that 2009 will bring soft breezes, calm waters, and many sunny days. Once again, I survived the storm and managed to ride out the waves, hanging on tight to my little boat, and bailing like crazy to keep from sinking in the water. If nothing else, I am a good survivor. I truly believe it’s what I do the best.

Not all that occurred in 2008 was bad. In fact some of the bad, I can see good in. 

My husband tagged me with a new nickname this year: “The Bulldog”. He said something like “no matter what happens, you just won’t lie down, will you?” My response was something like “lying down is something I don’t see as an option”. 

There were terrfic amounts of good this year thanks to my Bulldog nature! I have just about the greatest, sweetest little Border Collie puppy in the world. She has been the light of my life this year. My Riff finally won his first high in trial and finally won a Performance Steeplechase. Little Toot won a Performance Steeplechase this year too. I got to take just about the best vacation in Paradise. I have a staff at Georgia Dog Gym who is just absolutely wonderful! (Thank you Missy, Kathy, Lindsey, Beth, Mecca, David, A.J. & Denise!) I paid the last payment on my van this fall and it is now MINE! I met a whole lot of great people this year through the work that I do as a trainer. I enjoyed training a TON of really fun dogs!

I think this year I did more “living in the moment” and “appreciating the gift of the day”. I am able to find my peace and hold on to it in a way that had been very difficult for me. All of these things I am excited to bring into the New Year. So I think that looking back at this year and acknowledging the bad along with the good is maybe the thing that I needed to do today. 

So, I’m off to see what the rest of today is all about. The sun is shining and the breeze is soft.

I’m alive, and well.